| (no subject) |
[Aug. 29th, 2008|03:17 pm] |
| [ | music |
| | francoise hardy - comment te dire adieu | ] |
Friday Joke
"Confessions of an Irish boy."
'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'.
The priest asks, 'Is that you, Dicky?'
'Yes, Father, it is.'
'And who was the girl you were with?'
'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.'
'Well, Dicky, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Mary Walsh?'
'I cannot say.'
'Was it Teresa Brown?'
'I'll never tell.'
'Was it Margaret Doyle?'
'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'
'Was it Anne O' Neil?'
'My lips are sealed.'
'Was it Catherine O' Toole, then?'
'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'
The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped Dicky, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'
Dicky walks back to his pew, and his friend Tommy slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?'
'Four months' holiday and five good leads'. |
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| Hello, I am your local Conservative and Unionist Party candidate and I am here to help you. |
[Jul. 16th, 2008|05:28 pm] |
| [ | music |
| | v.a. sarah records - glass arcade | ] |
Ring Ring
"Hello, can I speak to a Mister Ronnie Cocozza please?"
"Sorry, he's currently out at the moment."
"Can I ask which member of the household I am speaking to?"
"That would be James Anthony."
"Hello Mister Cocozza, it's just to say that I am phoning on behalf of Davena Rankin, your Conversative candidate for the forthcoming by-election. May I ask whether you will be voting in the election?"
"Yes."
"Are there any issues relating to your constituency which you would like to be raised over the next few weeks?"
"No."
"Have you made up your mind who you will be voting for?"
"Not presently".
"May I ask who you voted for in the last General Election?"
"Yes, the Scottish Socialist Party."
"(pause) Oh. And who will the rest of your party be voting for? Labour?"
"No, they all vote for different parties."
"I see. Well Mister Cocozza, thank you for your time. Goodbye."
"Any time, cheerio." |
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| Annual Eurovision Entry |
[May. 24th, 2008|08:29 pm] |
Who's watching? Check the Bosnia and Herzogovinian entry! As Terry himself said, "four knitting brides of frankenstein and a loony with a clothesline". |
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| Fan obituary. |
[Dec. 29th, 2007|06:39 pm] |
R.I.P. Phil O'Donnell (March 25, 1972 - December 29, 2007).
If there was ever a name associated with 'injury prone', it was Phil O'Donnell of Motherwell, Celtic, Sheffield Wednesday and latterly Motherwell, a fellow Celtic fan who 'lived the dream'. He tragically passed away this evening after having a seizure on the pitch towards the end of Motherwell's home encounter against Dundee United.
I recall sitting in Firhill stadium all those years ago, O'Donnell on the back of my Celtic jersey, when you scored that screamer on your debut against Partick Thistle, and it seems like a lifetime away now. God bless you Phil, you were a hero to a young boy.
You'll Never Walk Alone.
 |
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|
| (no subject) |
[Dec. 14th, 2007|10:53 pm] |
| [ | music |
| | the bats - daddy's highway | ] |
Friday joke
A man walks into a bar with a trout under his arm and walks straight up to the barman.
"Do you have any fishcakes?", he asks the barman.
"FISHCAKES?!", responds the barman.
"Shhh!", says the man in a whisper, pointing at the fish.
"It's his birthday". |
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| Hogmanay |
[Dec. 13th, 2007|03:26 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | f'ing busy. | ] |
| [ | music |
| | khaya | ] |
As above. What are everyone's plans? There must be something worth doing, somewhere worth going? |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 9th, 2007|04:07 pm] |
| [ | music |
| | trembling blue stars - her handwriting on finely pressed vinyl | ] |
When was the last time you were propositioned? I was propositioned by a hooker in Glasgow's red light district this week on my way to the pub.
"Wantin' business, sweetheart?"
"No thank you."
"Y'sure?"
"I'm sure, thank you"
I can't be sure she was a prostitute, for all I know she may have been a freelance lawyer, albeit a freelance lawyer wearing six inch heels and a red dress five sizes too small for her ample figure.
Friday joke:
The spark had been lost in a husband's marriage, so he was trying to think of a way to rekindle it. One night he came from work, and found his wife asleep in bed. Considering what to do in this situation, he proceeded to get under the covers and go down on his wife, and soon she began to gently squirm and moan in pleasure. After a few minutes, her body spasmed with ecstasy as she climaxed. Afterwards, the man went straight to the bathroom to brush his teeth. When he got there, the light was on and he saw his wife there shaving her legs. "What are you doing in here?!?", he exclaimed. "Shhhh!," said his wife, pointing at the bed.
"You'll wake your mother". |
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| It's a field day! |
[Oct. 5th, 2007|01:39 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | scoffin'. | ] |
| [ | music |
| | billy bragg - talking with the taxman about poetry | ] |
Friday Joke
Dida's Top Ten?
Elvis Costello and the Attractions - 'I Can't Stand Up For Falling Down'
MC Hammer - 'Cant Touch This'
Nirvana - 'Dive'
The Fall - 'Touch Sensitive'
Beastie Boys - 'Putting Shame In Your Game'
Genesis - 'Invisible Touch'
The Bee Gees - 'I Started A Joke'
The Jesus and Mary Chain - 'You Trip Me Up'
Madness - 'Embarrassment'
Elton John - 'I'm A Dirty Cheating Play-Acting Brazillian Wanker'
 |
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|
| (no subject) |
[Sep. 23rd, 2007|11:59 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | v. satisfied. | ] |
| [ | music |
| | ultrasound - everything picture | ] |
This morning I ran the St Andrews Hospice 10k in a respectable time of fifty minutes and twenty seconds; considering I've had a cold for the past week which has inhibited my breathing, stopped any physical preparation whatsoever and cost me about four hours sleep last night, I'm pretty pleased with that. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 21st, 2007|02:38 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | mischievious. | ] |
| [ | music |
| | yon new trembling blue stars on vinyl (w00t) | ] |
Friday joke
Did you hear about the clumsy vasectomist?
He got the sack. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 14th, 2007|08:24 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | fridayfun. | ] |
| [ | music |
| | mcmcmcmcmccarthy - should the bible be banned e.p. | ] |
Friday joke.
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar from a supermarket?
They were given six months each. |
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| Sponsorship. |
[Sep. 12th, 2007|08:40 am] |
| [ | music |
| | trembling blue stars - the last holy writer | ] |
Remember this?
St Andrews Hospice haven't, after all, forgotten that I had registered to take part in the annual 10k Road Race and were good enough to (finally) send the registration documents and sponsorship sheet out to me.
Thusly, it would be wonderful indeed if some of the great people on my friend's list would consider sponsoring me for this event.
The link (weblink being more convenient than filling out a sponsor sheet) is here.
I am number seventy.
P.S. Does anyone fancy coming along to see Butcher Boy. at Offshore on Wednesday evening at 8 o'clock? |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 9th, 2007|03:13 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | good. | ] |
| [ | music |
| | felt - 'rain of crystal spires' | ] |
Did you know?
In Polish Scrabble, you are awarded only one point for using the letter Z. The highest scoring letter is Ĺ, which will bank you seven points.
The obscure Polish verb 'ultravoxes' - meaning to deceive in a fanciful manner - is worth thirteen points. |
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| A football fan's obituary. |
[Aug. 28th, 2007|05:49 pm] |
Today I was saddened to learn of the death of Seville's Spanish midfielder Antonio Puerta, who died this afternoon in intensive care. He was the same age as I: twenty-two years old. Puerta collapsed during Seville's match on Saturday against fellow La Liga side Getafe; after regaining consciousness he was able to walk off the field of play and was sensibly substitued. Unfortunately, soon after Puerta suffered a cardiac arrest in the dressing room, and his condition worsened in hospital where he was subject to multiple organ failures, before passing away this afternoon. Puerta was not the subject of a poor health record, and, indeed, passed a medical at the club weeks before; he was simply at the cruel whims of a very rare heart condition.
Seville's crucial Champions League third qualifying round match tonight against AEK Athens has been rightfully postponed. Sometimes there are more important concerns than kicking a circular object around a field.
Amongst many honours with his boyhood heroes - including the Spanish Cup and this month's Spanish Super Cup (between the previous year's league and cup winners) - Puerta scored the winning penalty in Seville's enthralling UEFA Cup victory over Espanyol in Glasgow, just three months ago. He was capped once by Spain.
Antonio Puerta's wife is due to deliver their first child in a matter of weeks; as difficult as he will be to replace on the pitch, there is no replacement for him off it. Condolences to his family.
R.I.P. Antonio Puerta Pérez, 26 November 1984 – 28 August 2007. |
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| YES! |
[Jul. 26th, 2007|01:11 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | YES! | ] |
| [ | music |
| | isobel campbell - amorino | ] |
Just fucking YES!
http://www.pitchforkmedia.com/article/news/44424-r-kelly-adds-ten-chapters-to-trapped-in-the-closet
"The new round of "Trapped" videos finds Kelly portraying an old man named Randolph, complete with a pot belly and a fake white beard that nearly falls off mid-scene, as well as a preacher in a gray Jheri-curl wig and garish orange suit. In one of the final chapters, Kelly's Sylvester character talks business with a "Sopranos"-esque mobster who is eating a giant plate of spaghetti."
Quick, someone get me my beretta, 'cos I'm gonna shoot somebody. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 4th, 2007|03:07 am] |
| [ | music |
| | hood - outside closer | ] |
Upon hearing news that a leisure centre in Paisley was in lock-down this morning after reports of nearby suspicious behaviour, I happened to stumble across (on a messageboard) a leaked conversation which may shed some light on real reasons behind the weekend attacks.
( + ) |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 17th, 2007|10:40 pm] |
| [ | music |
| | field mice - snowball + singles | ] |
I've decided I'm going to enter the St Andrews Hospice 10K Road Race, which will take place at that bastion of all things Lanarkshire, Strathclyde Park, on the 23rd of September. The Hospice Road Race got the nod over the Cancer Research or Great Scottish Run events because it looks comparatively shambolic and will, therefore, probably suit me down to the ground. I won't know the ins-and-outs of the sponsorship until the organisers send me the information pack* in the post, but hopefully, unlike childhood sponsorship attempts, someone other than my mother will sponsor me.
*Precuationary chib hopefully included. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 28th, 2007|05:55 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | extended hangover. | ] |
| [ | music |
| | lush - split | ] |
I realise the football season has finished, - in this country at least - but that doesn't mean that I can't have an irreverent look at the upcoming transfer silly season.
You see, we've finally been linked with Europe's finest midfield maestro...
( + ) |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 25th, 2007|04:06 pm] |
Happy 40th Birthday.
( + ) |
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